JamesGamble.net

I work in the Information Technology field primarily in support roles. I always hate trying to explain what I do for a living to folks that work outside of my field because most time they simple smile, nod, and say “that’s nice”. However, I’m one of the guys that allows your technology at work and at home to function. I’m the one that is up late at night patching a server that your login information is housed on just to ensure that no one can sneak in and steal your data. When you have a computer problem and you call a 1-800 number for help, you’re probably speaking to one of my people. When you yell and scream at us because we can’t provide the answers you want, we’re the ones that sit in our car on our lunch break evaluating our life decisions; all because you can’t get to FaceBook. We sit behind the scenes often unknown and unnoticed until something goes wrong. When we try to explain to you the reasoning behind what we do, you don’t want to hear it, you just want it fixed. You may also threaten our job if we don’t fix it, adding to the stress of an already stressful situation. We are the ones that you treat as an operational expense, a non-revenue generating position. But how would the company make any revenue if you couldn’t turn on your computer in the morning? Or login to your e-mail from your cell phone? Or restore an important sales quote because you deleted it by accident?

And then you make fun of us while you don’t think we’re around. You mock us because we may not be the most socially adept people in the world. We may be a little out of shape and have interests that seem weird to you and I think that probably scares you at some level. But when you need something, oh man you’re our best friends. You try to butter us up with fake friendship before you finally get around to asking a “favor” of us. Though you may feel like you’re being slick, because after all you have superior social skills, it’s incredibly easy to see right through you. You drop last minute projects on us and expect miracles, because really, I had no plans tonight. Or did I? Did you even bother to ask? It wouldn’t matter anyway because your needs outweigh mine, even though you failed to plan for anything.

Does this sound bitter? I’m not bitter, I’m simply stating the truth. Often times the worst treated people in any company are the ones that have the keys to the kingdom. The IT staff, the facilities staff, the mailroom clerks, etc. These people literally have ALL THE KEYS. They have hugh amounts of trust put on their shoulders, yet they are usually relegated to the lower tiers of the reporting structure. It’s a weird dynamic working in this field, it really is. It’s not so black and white as other positions. IT guys aren’t blue collar, but they aren’t white collar either. Maybe grey collar? It’s a line, a very very fine one, and it’s weird to even write about.

You also don’t realize that there’s a whole different set of social norms in the community of IT professionals. We have our own set of morals on how we treat not only people, but the technology itself. That’s a post for another time though.

One of the items on my bucket list is to hike the entirety of the Appalachian Trail, also known as the AT. I don’t really know why I want to do it, but I really do. Over the last month I’ve been working up the courage to make a decision on whether I’m going to attempt it. I think that if I do decide to do it, I’ll start in early March atop Springer Mountain in Georgia. I would like someone to go along with me because I think having someone there would make it easier during the hard times. On the other hand though, I think having someone there with me would distract me from reaching that place I need to be to really test myself. I feel like I have some things I need to leave out there, on the trail, and if I don’t attempt the hike now, while I’m 30 and unattached, I’ll never do it.

I know it’ll be harder than anything I’ve ever done in my life before, but even now sitting on my couch typing this, I still don’t have any idea what it’ll be like. I can’t even imagine what it’ll be like with any amount of realism. I just know that it’ll be hard, at first, and then I’ll hit a stride. Starting the trail will be the toughest for me. I know I’ll want to quit within a few days. It’s funny that a journey that’ll take more than five months to complete will test me the hardest within the first few days.

In any regard, I know that I will want to document the entire experience. I think that I’ll probably have to take a laptop with me so that I can write and record video while out on the trail. Some sort of tablet may be more practical. I know I’ll want to take pictures, keep a journal, and a video log of the experience. From what I’ve read so far, every three or four days you reach a town, so I figure I can upload my content then. It’ll also be a good way for my family to see the things I’m going through. I also have high hopes of being able to read during the evenings, or listen to old albums until I know every word of every song. Maybe I’ll be able to write creatively which is really hard for me until I get in a difficult emotional state.

I’m not really sure what I’ll find on the AT if anything at all. I know the experiences people have on the trail are different for each person that makes the journey. Each person comes back with a lot of stories and a new outlook on life. Maybe doing this will give me the courage to tackle new dreams that I haven’t even imagined yet. That’s what I’m hoping for at least. Right now though I’m struggling with coming up with the courage to take the first step. Hell, I’m having trouble coming up with the courage to make the decision to take the first step. This is byfar one of the scariest and most exhilarating decisions of my life, and I’m struggling with it.

I’ll tell you now, I’m putting a deadline on my decision. I have the summer to think things over, and I will make up my mind by August 31st. If I decide to do it, I will start training on September 1st. I will start making lists and preparations, and I will start doing whatever I can to prepare my mind for what I’m (hopefully) about to attempt.

April was an incredibly busy month for me and things are just now starting to settle back to normal. As you may know I traveled to Las Vegas to celebrate my 30^th birthday. A week later I was in Detroit for Penguicon 2012. Both of these events left me emotionally, physically, and financially drained. However, even though they cost me a lot in all sorts of different respects, I had a great time and I wouldn’t change anything about my experiences.

I’m seriously looking forward to a lazy summer without any commitments. I need some time on a normal routine so I can get back to the rhythm that I had at the end of last year, going into 2012. I have a few smaller projects that I’m working on getting done. One, my main desktop computer’s video card died so I’m unable to run my Tor or Freenet node at the moment. I do, however, have a new Z-Box media machine that runs Windows 7 beautifully and only consumes a small bit of power. It will become my new Tor/Freenet/SSH node. Two, I’m going to fix my desktop and once I get it back up and running, it’s going to be formatted with a clean copy of Windows 7 and set it up to play the new World of Warcraft expansion (The Mists of Pandaria). I know I’ll be addicted to it for just a few months, but I always have fun when I do play (before I get bored). Three, I’m going to replace my wireless at home with an OpenMesh solution. It just looks fun. Finally, I’m hoping to purchase a new MacBook Pro once the new models come out that have the Ivy Bridge chipsets. I’d like to buy a 15 inch because I want two fans and increased battery life, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it. My current 13 inch has served me well, but it does tend to get a little hot from time to time.

I purchased a 23AndMe kit on Friday and it arrived yesterday. I’m going to collect the saliva sample tonight and send it in as soon as possible. I’m super curious to find out more about my genetic background. My father’s side of the family is mostly Irish (I have an uncle that does genealogy research for my family) so there probably won’t be any surprises there. However, my mother’s side is nearly a complete mystery. My great grandmother was a Cherokee Indian, but that’s most of what we know. I can’t wait to find out where that side of my family comes from. Also on the list of things to purchase is a National Geographic genetics kit that will show the migration path of my mother’s side and my father’s side on a map throughout the centuries. It doesn’t delve as much into ancestry as the 23AndMe kit, however it does give me a lot of information about how my family ended up in Florida. Finally, I’ve got a power of attorney, medical directive, and pet directive set of legal paperwork filled out that I’m going to order and get notarized. I want to have all my affairs in order in case something happens to me. I’ll probably need a safety deposit box as well.

Usually April is a busy month for me and this year is no exception. Along with Easter and my birthday, I’m heading to Las Vegas for a few days to spend some time with my former co-workers and good friends from T-Mobile. After that I get roughly a week at home before I head out to Detroit for a long weekend of geeky fun at Penguicon. Once I get home, the month will be over and I’ll have to decide on what crazy adventure I’ll be going on during May. Part of me wants to do a long weekend in Key West, but another part of me just wants to stay home and veg on the couch. I’m sure the couch will win out, but man, Key West would be awesome.

I’ve had a productive day so far today. I’ve got nearly everything done today that I wanted to get done and I’m feeling pretty good. I have some things to do once I get home, but they shouldn’t take too long. I finally got my car’s transmission fixed and it’s now running beautifully. I can’t believe how rough it was running before. I guess I just got use to a faulty transmission and didn’t really notice as much. Now though, it’s running so well, I want to do something nice for it like give it a bath and buy it some new shoes (tires).

Have I mentioned how much I love green tea? I’ve been buying a couple of different Tazo varieties and drinking a couple of cups a tea a day while at work. So far I have tried the Green Ginger (green tea, ginger, and pear) flavor as well as the “Zen” (green tea, lemongrass, and spearmint) variety. Both are quite good, but I think so far the Zen flavor is winning. It seems to brew a bit darker and a bit more flavorful than the Green Ginger variety. I bought a box of the Zen for my mom to try and I’ll have the verdict on how much she likes it when I give her a call this evening. If she doesn’t like it, I’ll get her a box of the Green Ginger and see if that’s more up her alley. I’m also continuing with my daily dose of Emergen-C which makes for a good health combo when also drunk in conjunction with green tea.

Finally, I think it’s time to retire some old projects and start working on some new ones. I think I’m going to stop doing the SpiceWorks work along with the FourSquare work so I have a bit more time to focus on other things. I need to go ahead and order the next album and movie in my series of top albums and movies of all time lists. I think I’ll do that Friday when I get paid. I still need to watch Raging Bull, but I have been getting an earful of Highway 61 Revisited by Bob Dylan.

I’m not one to get really emotional. Usually the only emotion that I display is cheerfulness and occasional anger. Only rarely do things deeply affect me, but when they do it bothers me for a long time. One description of an Aries male really seems to fit me in this regard. It says that if an Aries male is angry and everyone knows it, not to worry about it too much because it will pass soon. That anger is like a flare that burns really bright, but only for a short period of time. The article continues to say that you should be wary of a quiet, angry Aries. That is the type of anger that he dwells on and is most likely to take the most vengeful action with. That’s how I feel right now.

I spend so much time walling myself off emotionally from the world that when something finally does get through to hit me at my core, I don’t know how to handle the feelings. Most times I just sit on my couch and dwell on it until it finally goes away, building more walls so that the next time I can withstand even more. Other times I find someone to talk it out with and that seems to be the most productive course of action. But every once in awhile I do something completely irrational, like clean my kitchen.

When I got home, I didn’t even bother taking off my work clothes. I unboxed a bunch of garbage bags and started tackling the clutter that is my home. I don’t clean very often and I let things build and build until I can’t stand it anymore finally doing something about it. I don’t that’s 100% the reason I started cleaning today, but it’s part of it. I think the other part is my mind just not knowing what to do with what I’m feeling and shoving me in a direction I was already leaning in just to get my mind off things for awhile. I popped in a CD and just went to town. Usually after doing something like that, I feel great about all that I accomplished, but that’s not happening tonight. I still feel dour, mellow, and somewhat angry.

I can’t really describe what I’m feeling, I just feel it. And I’m not trying to get any sympathy from anyone about it, but I feel like I need to get it out somehow, somewhere… and here I am.

You know what I want to do? I want to hike the entire Appalachian Trail from Maine all the way down to northern Georgia. I want to work a season in Antartica and I want to work on a cruise ship. I want to take a river boat cruise down the Mississippi river, and I want to go on one of those three week European tours. I want to be married and have a couple of kids. I want  to have the house in the country with the dogs, and maybe a workshop to not so seriously tinker with building things. I don’t know… All this has me feeling so unfulfilled even though I have a very fulfilling life. I hope that when this all passes, I’ll feel better about my situation, and I’m sure that I will.

Sometimes life is so easy, but sometimes it’s just so hard. I’m tired of people hurting other people. I’m tired of me treating people badly. I hate it that I jump on bandwagons and don’t stick to my guns. I hate it that I don’t have the guts to say what’s really on my mind for fear of causing a scene. I wish my parents could retire. I wish they could enjoy life for once without having to worry about work or money. I wish I was closer to my brother. I wish I had more wishes.

Anyway, I’m rambling at this point, I don’t even know… I’ll be fine, probably after a good night’s sleep. I hope my next blog post will be a little more positive.

Even though the first few days of Daylight Savings Time can be a little rough while my body adjusts, it marks the beginning of my favorite time of year. For the next six months, I’ll be able to sleep more peacefully as the sun won’t be waking me up in the morning. Generally it wakes me up a good 30 minutes before I actually want to be awake, depriving me of nearly four hours of solid sleep each week. I don’t like that, and I’m glad I won’t have to deal with it for awhile. Additionally I won’t have to drive home in the dark anymore, another perk of Daylight Savings Time. I’ll feel more motivated to get things done in the evenings when I get home because I won’t feel like I immediately have to go to bed.

The orange blossoms will start blooming soon creating my favorite smell. I love to take random rides around my town with the windows down and listening to a good album. Soaking in the summer months is one of my favorite past times and I’m so happy it’s almost here. I have some travel planned for April (Las Vegas & Penguicon) and most likely another trip to Michigan in August. I would like to take a trip back up to NY sometimes in July, and maybe a stopover in Washington DC on the way home. Who knows?!

Oh, and by the way, I was accepted into the Personal Genome Project a couple of days after I submitted my application. Hooray science!

I’ve been working on an Associate in Arts degree in Liberal Studies from a local community college for more than twelve years. I’m three credit hours shy of finishing the degree, but for yet another semester it eludes me. The three credit hours I need are comprised of the remainder of my mathematics requirement and I just can’t seem to finish it. For much of my college career I’ve struggled with college level mathematics. I was finally able to get over the algebra hump by starting over with non-credit algebra classes and working my way up the algebra tree until I completed “College Algebra”. Intermediate and College algebra counted for six of the nine required credit hours. I tried taking pre-calculus using the same teacher that had gotten me through Intermediate and College algebra, but I struggled and had to withdraw from the class as to not risk killing my GPA. I then tried Mathematics for Liberal Arts and struggled because the only professor that teaches it at my campus has a very thick Spanish accent that made it difficult for me to understand his lecture. He didn’t hand out lecture notes or anything so I was stuck trying to understand him and fumble my way through the textbook. That didn’t work and I ended up withdrawing from that as well. Finally, this semester I decided to try “Introduction to Statistics” which at first wasn’t too bad, but once we got into some of the more advanced formulas, I was completely lost. I went through all of the online videos for the course and even watched a lot of Khan Academy videos on the same topics, but I still struggled. Then, as I was knee deep in trying to figure out the most difficult material I had encountered yet, my job sent me up to New York for most of a week and when I got back, I developed a severe cold. So seeing as I was behind, and sick, and already not understanding the material, I gave up.

I hate doing that, I really do. All I want to do is finish this degree so I can move on to the University of South Florida and work on the 100% online Information Technology degree they offer. I’m tired of giving up on school. I’m tired of not having the time I need to work on the material because I work so much. But most of all, I’m tired letting myself down when it comes to this. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on this two year degree, and 10 years too many. I really don’t need to have the degree as my experience is paying the bills. It’s more of a personal thing. It’s a giant hurdle in my life and I really need to get over it.

If there is an upside, now that I’ve withdrawn from the course, the final that was scheduled for the Thursday before Penguicon is no longer there, so I can fly to Michigan on Thursday instead of Friday like I was planning. That means another day with my friends, and another day of fun.

Today I filled out an application for the Personal Genome Project. The Personal Genome Project is a Harvard Medical study that is attempting to gather 100,000 volunteers to contribute DNA samples so that scientists can better understand human genetics. It’s free to join, and the implications for donating a part of what makes you, you, is something that I couldn’t really pass up. If accepted, my genetic material will exist well past my lifetime as scientists will use data from my genome to perform their own research. It’s kind of cool in a way. In some respects, by donating a bit of myself (hair sample, saliva sample, cheek swab), I’ll be immortal.

I’m also thinking of purchasing a 23andMe kit which, once processed, will show me what types of diseases I’m more susceptible to, where my genetic ancestry lies, and what health actions I should take to reduce my risk to various diseases. 23andMe is more of a commercial venture and the data is kept 100% private so that only you can view it. However unlike the Personal Genome Project, 23andMe data is more consumer friendly making it easier to navigate and digest than PGP.

Finally, my friend Janet introduced me to the National Geographic “Genographic” Project which is similar to both the projects I mentioned previously, but focuses more on ancestry than anything. You can opt to purchase two kits which will directly trace your ancestry on either your mother’s side of the family or your father’s side of the family. Each kit is $99 but I really think that $198 is worth it to have such detailed information on your direct ancestry.

As I discovered when viewing the family tree that my great uncle put together, it’s really gratifying to be able to see where you came from. I like to try to imagine what my ancestors thought and felt about their lives… these people, who I’ll never know, but are such a huge part of who I am lived and breathed at one point in history. That is just amazing to me.

I like to go to geeky conventions and one of the things you generally do at a geeky convention is dress up in some weird fancy costume that you’ve put together yourself. I’m not one to normally dress up in a costume because I don’t have a “maker” bone in my body. However, I think I’ve stumbled upon an idea that will be easy, fun, and hilarious. See, I’m going to shave my mustache off and go to a geeky/techie convention dressed as an Amish gentleman. I haven’t decided on what I’m going to name myself just yet, but that’ll be coming soon.

Anyway the costume will consist of some simple black shoes, with black pants, black suspenders, a long sleeved button down light blue shirt, a simple black jacket, and a wide brimmed black hat. I’ll be wandering around the convention hall yelling at technology calling it all various forms of black magic devilry. But wait, there’s more! I’m also (at random intervals) going to wander into the convention hall in my outfit, but with cool black sunglasses on. I’ll also be carrying a ghetto blaster boom box with a single song queued up… Are you ready? Amish Paradise by Weird Al. I’ll walk in, turn on the song, set the boom box down, mime the entire song (with a few fancy dance moves) and when the song is over, pick up the boom box and continue on.

During the evening when the parties are in full swing I think I’ll swap out the act for me just wandering around listening to stupid music (I’m Sexy and I Know It) and acting cooler than I really am. Alternatively, I can get some hair extensions, curl them up, and change into an orthodox Jewish man all without having to do much work. I think for that particular character I’ll have to brush up on my Mel Brooks movie quotes, and Yiddish.

For several years now I’ve been seeing this guy riding around my town on a large tricycle. He’s usually unkempt with scraggly hair and dirty clothes. I think he has a mild case of cerebral palsy because it doesn’t appear that he has much control over his left arm. He walks with a slight limp and his body bends to the right a bit. Anyway, he likes to collect aluminium cans for a little extra money, and I can’t think of a time when I’ve seen him speaking to anyone or heard him speak myself. All these years I assumed that he’s mentally handicap as well, but tonight he proved me wrong, and I’m glad he did.

After work I drove to the Subway near my house. It’s in a Radiant gas station and is usually pretty crowded due to its location. When I pulled in the parking lot I saw his tricycle sitting in one of the spots but didn’t think anything of it. I know it’s his because he’s put a lot of work into it making sure it has a working headlight and blinking caution lights on the back. He keeps it really clean and not too long ago he added one of those little squeaky horns to the front. There’s also a large basket between the two back wheels and a tall caution flag sticking up from the side. There’s no mistaking who it belongs to and I would wager that most folks in the town know that it belongs to him.

When I went into the store I saw him standing in line waiting to give his order. Inwardly I groaned because all I wanted to do was get a sandwich and go home, but I was stuck behind someone I presumed was mentally handicap and would take a long time figuring out his order. While I was waiting at the edge of the counter where the line starts, the man was standing near the register (where the line ends) trying to figure out what he wanted. I remember thinking to myself that “this is going to take forever”. The girl behind the counter told him to walk to the other side near me, because that’s where orders were placed. As he turned and walked my way, he smiled at me and I saw that he was missing a lot of teeth which furthered my illusion that the man was mentally challenged. Finally, she asked him what he wanted to order, and in a clear, intelligent voice, he made his order.

I was standing there staring at my cell phone (I don’t even remember what I was doing) when he spoke and I immediately felt awful for the way I had misjudged him. Like I said earlier, I’ve been seeing him around town for years, and the whole time, just based on his appearance, I considered him to not be intelligent. That got me thinking, how many other people have misjudged him in the same way? How many people (myself included) could potentially found a new friend in this man, but didn’t because of the way they thought he was? It’s shameful, and I feel shame. Even worse than the shame, I was selfish. My first reaction to seeing him in line wasn’t one of “well, I’ll just have to wait in line”, it was “aaw crap, I’ve got to deal with this guy?!” That’s not the right way to react. I was wrong in that and I feel awful for it.

I’ve learned a lesson in this, and it’s a lesson as old as time. Actually, I’ve learned two lessons. One, don’t judge a book by its cover. Two, guilt is motivation to change. The next time I see him I’m going to make it a point to engage him in a bit of conversation and maybe, with that act, I’ll start to change for the better.